If I were to measure my 2022 the way I’ve done it nearly my entire life, 2022 would be by far, my most successful year yet.

Though I shared my resolutions with you, I had a secret list of projects that I had fully expected would take at least 3 years to complete (from experience it’s usually just one big project a year) and somehow I’ve managed to do them all in just the past 12 months, which included a mural which was something I had wanted to do since I created my first one at my school in 2012; creating and publishing my second divination deck (in just a year!!); and also putting together a solo exhibition of 24 newly created paintings in just under 2 months.

I even had the opportunities to design a red packet for the office, stickers for the library’s new home campaign, a tarot card for Joyce Cheng’s MV (she’s one of my favourite cantopop singers) as well as a cider label — and I’m always excited and happy to make commissioned illustrations for new products. And I was doing all this while working on usual office stuff and dealing with the move out and back for the new renovation. Honestly, I should feel a bit like superwoman with everything that I did this year.

On top of that I was able to visit my long-distance partner in Ireland, which I thought was going to be impossible because of COVID restrictions; actively prepare for and witness the renovation of Asia Art Archive and be part of it settling into its new home; and see further growth in my tarot-reading side hustle through writing monthly tarot readings according to your sun, moon, and rising signs.

I am insanely grateful for all of the opportunities and support I’ve received this year — something that I would never have imagined could happen so quickly.

Yet at the end of the year, I found myself exhausted, melancholic, and to a certain extent, apathetic — I had a tough year.

All throughout this year, I’ve been having trouble decompressing from my work. Somehow, nothing seemed to be enough, so I kept chasing after every project I could find just to feel like I was productive, and that I wasn’t a failure. I know it’s dumb because rationally I know I’m not a failure and my lack of successes doesn’t define who I am. Looking back in retrospect, I was struggling with knowing that I had a financial goal I needed to meet, a grandma who was getting weaker each day, unwilling to eat, and just being lonely without my partner. I needed those projects to keep me motivated and willing to not waste my year.

Honestly, I’ve been writing this year in summary very slowly for over two weeks. I had this on my to-do list because I wanted to celebrate my successes, yet to completely ignore the limbo that had been shrouding this entire year would be unfair, and since I decided to write this anyway, I might as well talk about the bad as well.

Then grandma passed away on the morning of Mid-Autumn.

I promised I won’t talk about my grandmother anymore, but I miss her every fucking damn day.

2022 sucked.